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May. 31st, 2014

I am alone

white neighborhood


all of this and i am expected to find someone. hello, this is me and i am drunk and I almost threatened someone with a baeball bat....my main go to weapon. I fell terrible for what I've done but Canada or people in general are no place for me. I am an anomaly and I have to accept that. I am venting, conflicted and confused. /there is no help

I have been angry since i was 9. There is no woman i have fallen in love with out of nothing...it had to be built from nothing. Built. Not already apparent.....like love at first sight......

/i cannot relate to anyone. I brought my 3 years younger brother of mine to meet my friends and he seemed so insincere to them..

I do not like people.....
I gaud at them...

keeping calm and carrying on are things that people with the means to have and do.
I have none

the world does things to decent people...perhaps i was never decent in the first place,,,,\

I am angry

i will die

life is a moment
broken in time.

Apr. 28th, 2014

(no subject)

very angry about some butt-hole at the safeway being a rude little prick. Thanks yet again city of asshats.

Mar. 26th, 2014

just before the two week break...

not much is happening in the plant. Laziness is at a all time high.

In news, I have been auto-accepted at macewan university, formerly grant macewan community college, into their subsequent baccalaureate program in computer sciences. The university of manitoba has also informed me of their selection processes as well, apparently i need some sort of re-certification of my intro physics classes in the form of syllabi to which, i suppose, have inherently thrown away.

not cool

now i have to contact the past prof and see what can be done from that. If that fails then I will have to admit defeat.

Going back to school is redemption for me. The chemistry degree that i've obtained is nothing more than a failure of listening to my parents. I know now that whatever they say henceforth is useless.

This would feel worse if not for how i consider wasting time to be anything.

Mar. 19th, 2014

Quiet Night

Me again, on a quiet sort of night.

The house vacuum is currently being utilized for the R11&12 so I cannot use an alternate source for vacuum on V-08. I have no choice but to waste time.

Nothing new has come up...well I guess some things. I still havent heard from any of the uni's that I've applied for since February. My guess would be that they'd let me know sometime in april or late may. Either or, I don't want to stay here doing alternating shifts. My gym gains are going down the toilet and it is very hard on my body. Fortunately, my 2 week vacation is coming up so that is something to look forward to. I bought dark souls 2 last thursday (ordered it off amazon, shit was legit), so I got that going for me.

Overall, I think that I'll just hold myself up somewhere and read the rest of the Dark tower book that I'm reading; its not bad for a side tale within a tale. Computer Science is what is really raring me a go nowadays (I should brush up on that stuff and get more properly reacquainted with miss java).

sidenote: I guess I did have quite a bit to say, huh 

Mar. 8th, 2014

(no subject)

Night #2 of this series of the boring night-shift with you host, NASDFASFSAFA.

Wasting time as usual and also trying to come up with some planned activities for Monday and tuesday sleep adjustment period (note: I dont call them breaks). I'm thinking that on Tuesday I'll go to the gym, maybe finish up the Stephen King book I'm currently on/off and play some vidya games. <Strategic JRPGS are so easy but time consuming that they arent even a real challenge.> Next weekend is already written off: go out, drink, talk to people to whom I have the great displeasure of meeting and dance off my stress (dance like nobody is watching is more of how it goes). I'am expecting my special edition copy of DARKSOULS2 to arrive the week after,...with a potential speeding ticket to boot. There's also the re-doing of my lotto ticket to which I've won another free round (With 3 bonus picks? whoop-tee-fricken-doo).

Overall, its all rinse and repeat. My life is pretty much revolving around work that I dont really like and I have to wait and save up.


white north american women are crazy for the most part. Thanks for being awkward dinguses that I will have to eventually interact with.

(no subject)

  Back from the 2 days off. Wasnt much of a break since the entirety of the time was dedicated to adapting for night-shift working, but so begets my 3 days of ennui.

  Relating to my fellow co-workers is quite difficult. Apart from what I've gathered since the 3 months since working here, there are some interesting dynamics in play. One of them that is quite obvious is the corporate lifestyle. I work in the plant, a separate building connected to the main building via a walkway, so contact with the main building is minimal during daytime M-F 9-5 business hours. The main people at the company (i.e directors and corporate managers, QC/QA) who are in charge of the paperwork as well as R&D work there. Now the interesting thing is that the typical groupings of youth schooling seem to be at play. The interactions between departments is very reluctant and interrelations within each are, how shall I put, passive hostile/?/

  This is one of the main reasons why it is so awkward to work for me, the older demographic doesnt help either. Feuds over pay/position/entitlement make it so very daunting that it turns into a perverse display of sycophantery. Yes people are passionate about their jobs but this company has too few of those and not enough in terms of rewarding and fertilizing such mindsets. Granted, the job availability is quite limited but I do not plan to stay in this toxic environment for long.

  I do my best to maintain the basic retorts to the awkward acknowledging that the people here so desire as to make an easier transition into leaving this place. The money is not worth the job either. Primary exposure to all of these chemicals is certainly not good in the long run as well.

Mar. 7th, 2014

(no subject)

not much happening tonight

The usual night shift adjusting period. It seems that whenever I have those couple of days off, it's just effort in changing sleeping patterns.

It's so wrong, way to much time dedicated in the trivial nature of 2 days nights and then alternating into days.

I am not sticking around this company and wasting my time and brain for the progress of such things.

Humbling but I seem to be missing out on life in a way. It's not going towards anything in particular....\\

Mar. 3rd, 2014

I wonder...

...what would the 5 year old version of me say?

Did I become what I wanted then? He'd probably ask if i became a good guy.

I don't know if I did,

I don't know yet.


I'll be happy and have fun because that's what I think he'd want me too.
And be there for people that care, not make those people sad...

It's hard to do but someone has to change it.

Guess it has to be me.

Feb. 25th, 2014


Memories flowed through me as I was reading an article about a boy with ataxia and his parent's take. It vaguely reminded me of my experiences at my old elementary school, *o*y *r**s.

  I am not unfamiliar with people giving up on me, I've already figured out that finding validation through my friends(?)(Acquaintances?) will absolutely get me nowhere in life. I have to keep my head down and disclose as little information as possible while pursuing my goals.

Sure, it's a lonely path, but there are not many people that I can disclose such things to. Whenever I do, it feels as though I just want to hide within myself further, like I am the one at fault. I don't know why I feel this way....

Could it be because I find that being true to myself and disclosing such things ends up backfiring on me,,,,,,,friends running away after I tell them of my emotionally deprived upbringing (although I don't blab this to everyone....)
  Living with my parents at the age of 24, having no SO, dead-end job, shitty degree and having no close friends and not many people I can relate with or try to understand......
  Having no true friends? I am either just a follower or a leader but never a comrade........
I just have to maintain perspective and having at least one person who is willing to listen would be nice and who treats me like a regular human being would be nice ---like maintaining an air of anonymity and not being categorized....

Feb. 22nd, 2014

(no subject)

What an odd state in existence right now.

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